Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER