My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER