I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER






