My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER