… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER