My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERNext to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER