By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER