My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER