My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER