A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERself-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERThey just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLERBefore you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERThis woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER