I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLER






