A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERThere’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERHousework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLERMy cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERAll mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERI will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLERMaybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLER