I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER






