My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER