Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER