… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLEROh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER