I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERBefore you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER