If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERBefore you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER







