Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERBefore you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER