I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERBefore you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER