You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERBefore you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER