By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER