A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER