A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER






