If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER