I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






