I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER