What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLER