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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

Phyllis Diller

Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Always Before Down Drink Fall Friend Health
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Curve Set Smile Straight
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bad Earn Ever Kid Last Lose Money Old Teeth Thing
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER

Come Enemy Geet House Mess Really Strange Win
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Finish Half Hour Last Minute
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Dog Every Go Howl Near Stove Time
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Away Children Home Keep Only Parent Some Thing Threaten
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER

Constant Difference Other Same Song Technology Thought Wine Year
My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Just Justice Like Look Photograph
My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER

Hate Mingle Moher Once Orphanage Told Took
I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Age Come How Feel Me Old Rear See Should
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Hat On Screw Wrinkle
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Down Head Kwwp Laugh Pro Real Reson See Tell
In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Drive License Made Most Now Old Sense Sixteen State Year
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Attack Country Dog Even Hear Ible Lisp Mail One People Person Piddle
To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Apply Clean Neighbour Roaster Something

My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.

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Popular Authors

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