There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER