Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER