Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER