I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER