There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER