I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLER