I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER