Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER