Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER