If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER