I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER