It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER