My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER






