The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER






