Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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