If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER