Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER