My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER