The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER