The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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self-pity is better than none.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLER