I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER