Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER