The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERA smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLER






