I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER