I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER