My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER






