We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER