When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER