The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER