Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER