I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER






