This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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self-pity is better than none.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER