When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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