Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






