… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER