My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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