When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER