I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER