The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER