By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER