I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLER