To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER






