The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER






