My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER