What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER