I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERTennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER