I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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self-pity is better than none.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER






