Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER