I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER