Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER






