I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER