The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLER






