I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERI don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERI asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLERI always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERWhat I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERI want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERThe only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER