I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER






