I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER