By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER






