You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER