Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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