Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER