Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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