You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER






