A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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