I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER