In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLER