Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERBest way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER