Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER