I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER






