Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER