You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER






