You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER