Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER