Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER