Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER






