Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER