The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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