I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER