I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLERComedy is tragedy revisited.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER






