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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

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Christmas Everybody Forgotten Past Present Remember Time Want

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Cheap Christmas Committed Eve Fre Husband Kids Santa Shot Suicide Tell
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Avoid Beget Children Desire Entirely Mean Poverty Single Something Violence
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Chance Housework Kill Rake You
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Best Contraceptive Nudity People
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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Finish Half Hour Last Minute
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Love Man Marry Money Nothing Tennis
I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beauty Came Constant Country Hit Last Mouth Once People Person
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Christmas Day Job Look Next Office Party
This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Buy Get Gun Husbvband Into No Reply Say Shop Women
The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Constant Difference Other Same Song Technology Thought Wine Year
Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Dog Every Go Howl Near Stove Time
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Accidental Day Enjoy Ever Gin Iron Only Steam Time
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Always Children Choose Home Nice One Rest
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Country Discover Elect Eyewear Just Measurement People Person
I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLER

Ask Baby Folk Head Hospital Leave Mother Over Photo Sack Ugliest
I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Cloth Doctor Go Look Love Man Say Take

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