If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER