In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER






