Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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self-pity is better than none.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER