By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER






