The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER