My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER