Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER