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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

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Christmas Everybody Forgotten Past Present Remember Time Want

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Drive License Made Most Now Old Sense Sixteen State Year
Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Comedy Revisited Tragedy
When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bottle Kiss Play Quater Spin Want
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Christmas Day Job Look Next Office Party
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beaten Before Him Husband Lick Mixer Want
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Always Before Down Drink Fall Friend Health
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Cheap Christmas Committed Eve Fre Husband Kids Santa Shot Suicide Tell
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER

All Life Own Real Thing
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beneath Breast Knee Law Left Mother Out Pain Trick Tuned
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Advice Away Bottle Children Follow Keep Transquilzer Work
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bury Clear Dead Dinner Food Phase Serve Table Three
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Love Man Marry Money Nothing Tennis
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Blouse Once Peekaboo People Peek Too Wore
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Aligator Barefoot Compliment Know Shoe Someone
You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLER

Beautiful Bribe Comedy Everything Goes Got Realize Somebody Step Train
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER

Chance Housework Kill Rake You

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