You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERChristmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLER






