Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER






