The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER