I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER