You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
PHYLLIS DILLER