The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
PHYLLIS DILLER