This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
PHYLLIS DILLER