You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERTranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER






