I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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self-pity is better than none.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER