I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER