A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER