I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER