I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLER