The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER