Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER