I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
PHYLLIS DILLER






