The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER