My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER