By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER