We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER