Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER