The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER