I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER






