Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER