You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER