His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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self-pity is better than none.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER






