I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER