Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER