My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER