I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER






