… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLERBy far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
PHYLLIS DILLERI’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLERMost children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERYou’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERA bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERI like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERDo not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERI love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLER