I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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