A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER






