I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER