I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER