If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLERIt would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER






