Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
PHYLLIS DILLER