You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER