I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLER