Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
PHYLLIS DILLER