Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER






