Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLER