The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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