If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLER






