A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER