You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLER