Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERI was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
PHYLLIS DILLER