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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.

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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Blouse Once Peekaboo People Peek Too Wore
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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Enough Laugh Wrinkle
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Appendix Back Divorce Husband Like Put Remarry
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Best Eat Getmrid Kitchen Odor Out Way
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Hat On Screw Wrinkle
I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Come Have May Live Onion Ought Side So Sport
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Beneath Breast Knee Law Left Mother Out Pain Trick Tuned
If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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Come Enemy Geet House Mess Really Strange Win
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Ago Ask Fresh Grass Hour Lady Milk Said Three Waiter
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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Descend Foolish Listen Long Mother Very
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Bad Earn Ever Kid Last Lose Money Old Teeth Thing
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER

Gold Have Health Important Jewelry Next Things
I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Chocolate Dirt Like Serve Show
My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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All Life Own Real Thing
Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Always Before Down Drink Fall Friend Health
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Begin Else Everything Fal Maybe Out Spread Start True Wear

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