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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

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Before I speak, I have something important to say.
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Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
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I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.
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I intend to live forever, or die trying.
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The only real laughter comes from despair.
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I don’t know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair.
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I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
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Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
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Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
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The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
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In studying your basic metabolism, we first listen to your heart’s beat.
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I have nothing but respect for you and not much of that.
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Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
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Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
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All people are born alike except Republicans and Democrats.
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Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.
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