We’ll meet at the theater tonight. I’ll hold your seat ’til you get there. Once you get there; you’re on your own.
GROUCHO MARXAnything that can’t be done in bed isn’t worth doing at all.
More Groucho Marx Quotes
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The only real laughter comes from despair.
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Time wounds all heels.
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I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.
GROUCHO MARX -
Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!
GROUCHO MARX -
While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
GROUCHO MARX -
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
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From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
GROUCHO MARX -
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
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A very interesting theory makes no sense at all.
GROUCHO MARX -
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
GROUCHO MARX -
Why, look at me. I’ve worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
GROUCHO MARX -
If you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
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Die in the West and you’re halfway to Heaven.
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Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
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If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.
GROUCHO MARX