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I’ve been married fifty-five years and I’ve been home three weeks.

Bob Hope

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
BOB HOPE

Christmas Holiday Old Fashioned Xmas
Everybody is afraid they won’t have any money after they die, but Jack Benny discovered a way to take it with him. He had his appendix taken out and a piggy bank put in.
BOB HOPE

Discover Funny Money Taken
Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.
BOB HOPE

Careers Dying Line One
I never kick my ball in the rough or improve my lie in a sand trap. For that I have a caddie.
BOB HOPE

Caddies Golf Lying
One of our stock lines used to be “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for Bing, and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for me.” And that’s the way we go through life – doing nothing for each other!
BOB HOPE

Each Lines Nothing Other Stock Way
Not that they were that anxious to see Ronnie as President; they were afraid if he didn’t get elected, he’d go back to acting.
BOB HOPE

Acting Funny President
Did you see where President Reagan finally got a hearing aid? People have been telling him to get one for years, but he couldn’t hear them.
BOB HOPE

Funny Item People Telling Years
Perfume acts as an anesthetic. By the time she floats a little your way, you’ll promise her anything.
BOB HOPE

Country Littles People Promise Way
You know you’ve reached middle age when your weightlifting consists merely of standing up.
BOB HOPE

Age Country Middle People Weightlifting
I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.
BOB HOPE

Games Golf Numeral Roman
Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies
BOB HOPE

Ambition Dancing People
The firm is really ahead of the times. It has a stock market ticker that prints its report on thin aspirins.
BOB HOPE

Aspirin Firm Print Times
I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight – and that was just their hair.
BOB HOPE

England Hair Line One
Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life.
BOB HOPE

Baseball Character Kids Personal Plot Side
The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don’t know which end to talk to.
BOB HOPE

Country Funny Humorous People
Laughter is therapy-an instant vacation.
BOB HOPE

Instant Laughter Vacation

I’ve been married fifty-five years and I’ve been home three weeks.

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I’ve been married fifty-five years and I’ve been home three weeks.

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