Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
BILL BAILEYI try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
BILL BAILEY







