I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
BILL BAILEYI try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
BILL BAILEY