It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
BILL BAILEYI think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
BILL BAILEY