Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
BILL BAILEYI once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEY