I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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