But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
BILL BAILEY