How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEY