Work hard, save and live within your means.
BILL BAILEYI’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
BILL BAILEY