There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
BILL BAILEYI feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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This shed does not contain me.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
BILL BAILEY