How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEYThree blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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