“Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.”

There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.

I was so happy and content with in life playing music. Music was always my first job and my day gig was my second job.

The Stones always tried to do the odd smaller gig when they could.

I still remember the first gig where I got people going, it was Rascals in New Jersey, and the place was packed. I was scared. People were expecting me to be funny. I gotta be honest, every time I walk into a club, it’s that same fear.

Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

I saw my first gig here actually (Festival Hall in Brisbane) Duran Duran.

I used to do this big rant at the end of some gigs with Ben Folds Five. The band broke into this big heavy metal thing and I started as a joke to scream in a heavy metal falsetto. I found myself saying things like: Feel my pain, I am white, feel my pain.