Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
BILL BAILEYNot to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
BILL BAILEY