“In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.”

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?

Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

This shed does not contain me.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.

Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.

I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’

The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

Every time I sit in the audience and watch a show that I have been involved with, it is such an amazing feeling to see all those people around me, knowing they are actually watching and enjoying something I have written.

The journey makes things valuable not the title. Learn to enjoy and value the process of what God is doing.

Hobbits are a lot like Scots. It’s all about nature and enjoying their land, which is a very Scottish thing.

I enjoy writing. I enjoy communicating and connecting.

I don’t that they’re very keen to reduce the price of oil. The consumers are those who are the victims so I think that the producers, the governments, some of them, they’re enjoying the high revenue that they get.