Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
BILL BAILEYYes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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This shed does not contain me.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
BILL BAILEY