How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
BILL BAILEYThree blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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This shed does not contain me.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
BILL BAILEY