Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEYTonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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This shed does not contain me.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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