“How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!”

In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

This shed does not contain me.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.

Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.

I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.

People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’

The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!

Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.

But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”

I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.

We would scoff at the idea of a nice studio. “Why would you want to go to a nice studio? Oh wow, they have really expensive gear. Ooh, that’s really fancy. Well we’ve got an eight-track. We’ve got it going on here.”

I started publishing stories in small magazines early on, but after seven or eight or nine years you feel like you need a little more than that to show for your efforts.

For an actor, you’re rejected eight or ten times a day. All you’ve got to sell is yourself. You’re not selling products, they’re not turning down a car, they’re turning you down. Most people can’t handle that. Most people are essentially not set up that way.

I was a model for eight years. That’s the deal: People look. But I didn’t like being looked at and never seen.

I work eight hours a day, but I’m not writing all that time. I’m thinking, editing, looking something up. Thinking is what I do a lot of.

I bike all the time in New York City. I bike for hours. I can bike for eight hours a day and just go everywhere with bikes.

Buyers decide in the first eight seconds of seeing a home if they’re interested in buying it. Get out of your car, walk in their shoes and see what they see within the first eight seconds.

Rent a wide-angle lens and good lighting, get rid of your clutter and post at least eight great photos to win the beauty contest.