I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
BILL BAILEYThe reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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This shed does not contain me.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
BILL BAILEY