Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
BILL BAILEYStupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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This shed does not contain me.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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