The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
BILL BAILEYI tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
BILL BAILEY