I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
BILL BAILEYThe way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
BILL BAILEY