One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KINGThen, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
More Alan King Quotes
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The other day my house caught fire.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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My son says I never tell stories about anyone who’s living.
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Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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When I get up in the morning, I have to decide what I’m going to have for dinner or I can’t get through the day.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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If you want to read about love and marriage, you’ve got to buy two separate books.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
ALAN KING