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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.

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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Great New Older Thing Year
Now that’s better than sex, but only if the salami is thickly sliced.
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Better Salami Sex Slice Thickly
My brother is the youngest member of the College of Physicians and Surgeons. And I wouldn’t let him cut my nails.
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I think one of the big things about comedy is the ability for the audience to identify.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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Fight Keep Marriage Nature Stranger Way
There’s a charm, there’s a rhythm, there’s a soul to Jewish humor.
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Charm Humor Rhythm Soul
You want to attack somebody? Make fun of them.
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Attack Fun Make Somebody
I just never saw my mother in any other room but the kitchen. There were always pots going.
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Go Kitchen Mother never Other Pot Room Saw
When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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Done First Jewish Act Person Saw Told
Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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Bank Banker Chain Come Down Friend Image New Pen
One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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Again Apple Cloudy Drank Faint Juice Little Morning Nurse One Pour Run Specimen Tube
Milton took vaudeville, which, if you look up ‘vaudeville’ in the dictionary, right alongside of it, it says ‘Milton Berle’ – and he made it just a tremendous party.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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I was a high school throw-out.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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Dictator Full Life Little Run Try World
You know you are getting old when people tell you how good you look.
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