One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
ALAN KINGIf you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
More Alan King Quotes
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My father was a dreamer – my hero. He was a smart, tough guy from Poland, a cutter of lady’s handbags.
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The other day my house caught fire.
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My lawyer said, “Shouldn’t be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?” I said, “Fire and theft.” The lawyer frowned. “Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft.”
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I won’t eat in a place that has suits of armor.
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That’s the great thing about New Year’s, you get to be a year older.
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Ed Sullivan brought me to TV first in 1952, then Garry Moore’s program gave me a lot of confidence and freedom.
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One thing I’ve never said in my whole life is, ‘Let’s have dinner at a Japanese restaurant.’
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Banks have a new image. Now you have ‘a friend,’ your friendly banker. If the banks are so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
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Then, of course, you’re hooked and you have to learn how to survive in the business.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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If you stop and think about it, nearly all great humor is at the expense of someone or something.
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My father helped me leave. He said, ‘It’s all out there, it’s not here.’
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I didn’t know we were poor until I started giving interviews.
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I was a high school throw-out.
ALAN KING