If you keep yourself alive and current, funny is funny.
ALAN KINGAn old socialist-unionist who always considered himself a failure. His big line was: ‘Don’t end up like me.
More Alan King Quotes
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One morning, I poured the apple juice into the specimen tube. The nurse held it up and said, ‘It’s a little cloudy.’ I took the tube from her and said, ‘Let me run it through again,’ and drank it. The nurse fainted.
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When I was in the hospital they gave me apple juice every morning, even after I told them I didn’t like it. I had to get even.
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As a parent, I’d – I’d be a better father.
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A summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let’s eat!
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Eating takes a special talent. Some people are much better at it than others. In that way, it is like sex, and as with sex.
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Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing.
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For me, that wasn’t such a joke, because my birthday was always around this time.
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My favorite way to spend Saturday is in and out of bed, watching sports on TV and eating.
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When I first saw Richard Pryor perform, I told him, ‘You’re doing a Jewish act.’
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I don’t mind being 65, but nobody is gonna tell me to come in at 5:30 to have the early bird special.
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Marriage is nature’s way of keeping us from fighting with strangers.
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There’s nobody to believe in anymore, nobody to trust.
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The world is full of little dictators trying to run your life.
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I always plan dinner first thing in the morning.
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You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.
ALAN KING






