“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

A lot of success in life and business comes from knowing what you want to avoid: early death, a bad marriage, etc.

Social media, to me, is like a marriage. You have to foster it and take care of it and commit to it. And you have to understand your partner.

Yes: but aren’t love and marriage notoriously synonymous in the minds of most women? Certainly very few men get the first without promising the second: love, that is–if it’s just a matter of spreading her legs, almost any woman will do that for nothing.

I think the best day will be when we no longer talk about being gay or straight. It’s not a gay wedding, it’s just a wedding. It’s not a gay marriage, it’s just a marriage.

Each woman who lives in the light of eternity can fulfill her vocation, no matter if it is in marriage, in a religious order, or in a worldly profession.

I think I was always looking for that perfect woman, who obviously doesn’t exist. I wanted to be married. I wanted more kids. I’m a family man, at heart.

A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.

We all have a childhood dream that when there is love, everything goes like silk, but the reality is that marriage requires a lot of compromise.