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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

W. C. Fields

I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Parents Tough
I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. FIELDS

Equality Freedom Hate Myself
This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
W. C. FIELDS

Drive Grateful Myself Reason
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religion Time
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Breathe
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food Myself See
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDS

Worth Wrong
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
W. C. FIELDS

Night Time Wonderful
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
W. C. FIELDS

Myself Religious
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Home Start Time
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
W. C. FIELDS

Fools Inspirational Quit Success Yourself

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

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