“The only difference between death and taxes is that death doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.”

You’ve got to go out on a limb sometimes because that’s where the fruit is.

If advertisers spent the same amount of money on improving their products as they do on advertising then they wouldn’t have to advertise them.

Buy land. They ain’t making any more of the stuff.

Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don’t have for something they don’t need.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

We will never have true civilization until we have learned to recognize the rights of others.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression.

I love a dog. He does nothing for political reasons.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Common sense ain’t common.

Don’t gamble; take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don’t go up, don’t buy it.

Communism is like prohibition, it is a good idea, but it won’t work.

The more ignorant you are, the quicker you fight.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

I don’t want the corpses of flowers about me.

The least I can do is speak out for the hundreds of chimpanzees who, right now, sit hunched, miserable and without hope, staring out with dead eyes from their metal prisons. They cannot speak for themselves.

The meaning of life is that it stops.

Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

Gentlemen may cry peace, peace- but there is no peace! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why should we idle here?…I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

My soul has painted like the wings of butterflies, Fairy tales of yesterday will grow but never die, I can fly, my friends

One of the few good things about modern times: If you die horribly on television, you will not have died in vain. You will have entertained us.

When Christ calls a man, he bids him come and die.